Life without Jan Pentland
2 years later
by Dr David Morawetz
15 August, 2011
Brief summary
How am I coping two years after Jan’s suicide? The simplest way to answer that is to give brief updates on some of the things that I said at the funeral, and that I wrote in group emails 3 months and 9 months after Jan’s death.
These earlier statements are in italics.
At the funeral, I said:
My beloved partner Jan Pentland died on 15 August 2009. The manner of her death was suicide -- but Jan had everything to live for. She was at the peak of her magnificent professional career, and she had three children, six grandchildren, and me, who loved her dearly and whom she loved dearly. Unfortunately, Jan's deep, dreadful Bipolar depression was stronger than all of that.
3 months later, I wrote:
How am I coping 3 months after Jan's death? Understandably, I am in the "grief storm", which is characterised by "waves of emotion", in particular "waves of sadness". So I am OK one minute, in tears the next; surprisingly centred one minute, all-over-the-place the next. I have better and worse moments, better and worse days. In the first 7 weeks, 99% of my memories were painful. Overall, even though the grieving process is very painful a lot of the time, I'd say that I am doing as well as can be expected in the circumstances.
9 months later, I wrote:
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about Jan -- usually many times in a day. But whereas at first, every memory of Jan was a painful one, now some of the memories are painful and others are not. On most days, I shed some tears of sadness for the loss of Jan. But importantly, the gaps between the sad times are a lot longer now than they were in the first seven weeks. In fact, recently, these non-sad times have probably been making up more than half of my life. During these non-sad periods, a lot of the time, I am enjoying my life and the wonderful people in it.
Today, 2 years later:
I am no longer in the “grief storm”. I still think about Jan frequently, but now most of the memories are not painful, and some even bring a smile. Most of my times these days are non-sad times, and I rarely shed tears for Jan now. I still have the normal ups and downs of life that everyone goes through, but these days they tend to be mostly not related to Jan and the grieving process. Overall, I’d say I am doing well, and better than I would have expected.
If you do not have time to read long emails, read no further.
If you'd like to know more, please read on...
--------------------------------------
MISSING JAN
At the funeral, I said:
In the days and weeks and months and years to come,
I will discover ever new ways that I will miss you.
I am pleasantly surprised to say that, two years later, it is not so much that “I discover ever new ways that I miss you”, but rather “I discover ever new ways that I appreciate you, and feel fortunate for what we had together during those 20 years.”
--------------------------------------
IS THERE A POSITIVE FROM JAN’S DEATH?
At the funeral, I said:
If anything positive is to come out of your death, I hope it will remind us all:
“Don’t take anything for granted. Experience this moment, because it is the only moment you can be sure that you’ve got. There may be other moments tomorrow, and there may not.” I know that, for me, in the week since you died, I am aware more than ever of being grateful to be alive, grateful for every minute that I spend with my family and friends, experiencing the moments, not taking them for granted at all.
This is as true for me today, two years later, as when I said it at the funeral; it is central to my life.
--------------------------------------
GUILT
3 months later, I wrote:
I feel I understand why Jan took her life — she just couldn’t face the black Bipolar depression any more. The loss of Jan by suicide is tough enough without adding to it guilt: the fantasy or delusion that I had the power to stop Jan from taking her life. Given the pain and torment that Jan must have been suffering, I don't believe I had that power.
I continue to feel that way strongly today.
--------------------------------------
WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE
9 months later, I wrote:
Jan’s suicide has convinced me that I definitely can NOT predict the future. They say that 90% of what you worry about doesn’t happen, then something quite different happens – and you get on and deal with it. That feels absolutely right to me. So by logical extension, that leads me to the following conclusion: “Don’t bother worrying about the future. What a waste of time and emotional energy that is! Whatever I’m worrying about probably won’t happen, but something else will – and then I’ll probably handle it, one way or another.”
I continue to feel 100% the same way today.
--------------------------------------
HAVE I LOST A PART OF MYSELF?
9 months later, I wrote:
People who lose a partner often say: “I feel like I have lost a part of myself”. I have thought about that a lot. My conclusion is: No, I don’t feel I have lost a part of myself. Rather, I feel like I have lost my dear partner Jan, who walked side by side with me through life for the past 20 years. That is a massive loss – but even though I no longer have Jan, I have discovered, perhaps somewhat to my surprise, that I still have ME. That may seem a bit trite – but for me, the realization that I still have all of me is somehow hugely important. I had a life for 40-odd years before Jan came into my life, I had 20 very special years with Jan, and now here is the next phase of my life, whatever that may bring.
I still feel strongly the same way today. It has been an important revelation to me over the past two years that I can still be happy even when I am not in a relationship.
--------------------------------------
WHAT HAS BEEN HELPFUL SO FAR?
3 months later, I wrote the following.
All of it continues to be strongly relevant today.
Some of the things that I have been finding helpful in the grief process in the first 3 months are:
1. Reminding myself that Jan is no longer suffering now.
2. Spending time with family and friends whom I care about, and who care about me. These people are the most powerful support I have, and I feel so fortunate to have them in my life. (You know who you are!)
3. My experience with the grief process and the “grief storm” has been helpful (a) from my previous personal experience of loss, and (b) from my being a grief counsellor and a teacher of grief counselling. (For a description of “the normal grief storm”, see page 5 of the first ATTACHMENT to this email).
4. One of my Buddhist-leaning beliefs that I find most helpful relates to acceptance. I believe that “acceptance” is one of the most under-rated words in the English language. I ACCEPT that Jan has died. I don't like it, I don't want it, if I have a choice, Jan does NOT die -- but I don't have a choice, so I accept that she has died. A side benefit of this is that I don't need to waste emotional energy on: "Jan shouldn't have died!" "It's not fair!" "Why, why, why?" Instead, I can focus on the heart of the matter: "My dear partner Jan has died, and she is not with me any more." (For more on acceptance, see the brief second and third ATTACHMENTS to this email).
5. A second Buddhist-leaning belief that I find most helpful is "Experiencing the moments". I find that I enjoy my life more when I can "experience the moments" (or "be in the present"), instead of worrying about the future, or getting stuck in the past. This includes experiencing my emotions, pleasant and unpleasant.
6. Having time on my own is also helpful. I have always enjoyed my own company, and that continues to be the case, provided I am also spending enough time with the people who are important to me.
7. Thinking about people who are worse off (including people I know) is helpful at times — and there are so many people who are worse off than I am.
8. Deciding to do something for fun each day has helped heaps. So too has having a good laugh from time to time, and distracting or entertaining myself at times with sports, a movie or play, music, a TV program that I’ve recorded, or exercise.
9. Not being angry at Jan is helpful. I am not angry because I believe I understand why she took her life -- she was in unbearable pain.
10. Remembering that I feel fortunate to have had the 20 years we had together, instead of only feeling the loss, is helpful. As a colleague and friend of Jan’s and mine said in another context: "Some people come into your life for a long time, others for a shorter time." And as Jan herself said often, also in another context: "Just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth having." It is also helpful to remember that there are some losses where you may or may not "get over it", but you can "learn to live with it".
11. Getting my own counselling, with me as client, is super-helpful. So, too, is making the time to do the grieving. My experience as a grief counsellor tells me that if you don't do the grieving, it doesn't go away. The grief stays inside you, and it can block you from having happy feelings, the feelings that you need to make good decisions, etc. (For a classic example of this process, see the brief story of the woman with the stiff neck on page 3 of the first ATTACHMENT to this email).
--------------------------------------
DON’T LET THIS ONE THING DEFINE YOU
9 months later, I wrote:
Finally, a word about “Don't let this one thing define you”, a statement that comes from Harold Kushner's book “Overcoming Life’s Disappointments”. Kushner was talking about overcoming life's disappointments in general.
I am determined not to let myself be defined by Jan’s suicide, as in:
“Who is David? Oh, he’s the man whose partner Jan suicided. End of story.”
Instead, I prefer to think of it as:
“Who is David? He’s a person who is blessed with loving family and friends. An agnostic Jew with Buddhist-leaning beliefs who has a passion for social justice, for trying to make life a bit less unfair for the disadvantaged. An economist who became a psychologist and a philanthropist. A sports nut who runs a footy tipping competition for family and friends that is in its 21st year. A man who eats too much chocolate, who does stand-up comedy in drag at his golf club’s annual weekend away ... And a man whose beloved partner Jan suicided when her deep, tormenting bipolar depression finally became too much for her to bear. After Jan’s most untimely death, he is doing the best he can with what he has got, making full use of his inner and external resources in an attempt to continue to lead a meaningful and enjoyable life.”
This continues to be 100% true for me today.
--------------------------------------
WORRYING ABOUT GRIEF ANNIVERSARIES
For these two years, I have continued attending a monthly group for “Bereaved Partners” run by the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement. A number of grieving persons in that group have said that, for them, the worst part of the anniversaries of the death of loved ones is the worrying about it beforehand — whereas on the day, it is usually not as bad as the worries suggested it would be. On hearing that, I decided not to do the worrying beforehand — and that has worked for me so far. I have avoided the pre-anniversary worrying, and the anniversary days themselves have been moving, or at worst OK.
--------------------------------------
NEWS
I am surprised and delighted to say that, 2 years later, I am now in a new relationship. The new woman in my life is a very private person, so I will say no more — except that I am appreciating the moments, and taking none of it for granted!
--------------------------------------
TALKING OPENLY ABOUT SUICIDE, DEATH AND GRIEVING
Please feel free to pass on this email to anyone you think might be interested. As I have said before, I think it would be good if we could talk more openly about suicide, and in particular about the fact that suicide can occur because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, even when everything else in the person's life is as good as it has ever been, or even better. It would also be good if we could talk more openly about death and grieving. Death and grieving are a normal part of life -- albeit a painful part.
If you have read this far, THANK YOU for coming with me on this part of my journey. Much appreciated! If you have any reactions to any of this, I'd be very happy to hear from you. I may not be able to respond individually to your contacting me -- but you can be sure that, even if you do not hear from me in return, I will definitely appreciate hearing from you.
With love,
David
Acceptance
This is how it is.
Not how it
- was
- might have been
- should have been
Not how
- I wanted it to be
- hoped it would be
- planned it would be
I accept that this is how it is. Now I can get on with my life in a positive way.
What Works in Grief Counselling:
US Evidence and Australian Experience